Oh, what a surprise! In a groundbreaking study that no one could have possibly predicted, researchers have discovered that immunocompromised patients are at a higher risk of persistent SARS-CoV-2 viral shedding. Conducted with all the precision of a high school science fair project, this bicentric retrospective case-control study spanned the globe from one end of Paris to the other, comparing a whopping 29 patients with persistent viral shedding to an army of 40 controls.

After what I can only assume was an intense session of data crunching that would make a calculator weep, the study revealed some shocking findings. Hold onto your hats: fever and lymphocytopenia are associated with an increased risk of hosting a SARS-CoV-2 party in your body for longer than 8 weeks. And in a plot twist worthy of a daytime soap opera, being unvaccinated was linked to a 6-fold increase in risk of persistent viral shedding. Who could have seen that coming?

But wait, there’s more! If you thought persistent viral shedding was just a fun way to keep the virus to yourself, think again. These patients are apparently lining up for hospital beds, invasive aspergillosis, and, in some cases, meeting the Grim Reaper himself. The study solemnly concludes that vaccine coverage is the knight in shining armor, protecting against this viral onslaught.

In a final act of heroism, the researchers suggest that immunocompromised patients with the tenacity to shed virus for weeks on end should be “systematically screened” for fungal infections. Because, you know, it’s not like they have enough on their plate already. So, hats off to the researchers for uncovering the hidden dangers of persistent viral shedding with the same level of surprise as finding out water is wet.